I saw this video via this post, which was sent to me from 52hearts. (Thank you girl!) The transcript in full is here.
The point, I think, about Kahneman’s lecture is that the question of whether or not we are happy can be answered honestly and correctly, and if it has any correlation to our well-being, likely in response to this recent Happiest States study. But he spends most of his lecture talking about memories — how they are formed, how an experience negatively affects them, how they inform our choices, etc.
I’m still trying to get my thoughts together on this, but I’ll probably never nail down my real point. A huge driver of my writing back in the early aughts and still today was/is this very idea about memories — what is experienced versus what is remembered versus what can actually be considered real and true. This was the very last zine I attempted (four times, actually) but never completed. I was going through a lot — I had moved across the country three times, felt like I was chasing something I’d never get back, and essentially felt stuck in the past for most of my early twenties. And the end of Kahneman’s lecture most certainly applies to my life right now: I know for certain that moving to California won’t actually make me or my husband happier, but we’ll feel happier from the memory of how terrible the weather was and how boring life was in Connecticut. Or will we?
An interesting point Kahneman makes is that “you can think of the remembering self sort of dragging the experiencing self through experiences that the experiencing self doesn’t need.” He goes on to talk about how this is usually the case with vacations. I read an article about a year or so ago that made the argument (and I’m super-paraphrasing here) that families should just stay home and not plan around events like vacations or exciting amusement parks or whatever, because it’s a passive activity that doesn’t allow you to fully enjoy the experience of being engaged with your family members. I understand the point — that with TV and the internet, we don’t do a whole lot of full-assed interaction these days, but hasn’t that always sort of been the point of going on family vacations? It’s an experience you have for the express purpose of creating a shared memory. I have a good feeling Hugga won’t remember anything from the family vacation we took back in September, but I do, and those memories are very important to me.
Still, I don’t know if this is the case for everybody, but my memories are like photographs or scrapbook pages, like Kahneman said, three seconds at a time. I have pretty much no memories in movie form. Again, it’s a huge driver for my writing about parenthood, because I can’t help feeling like I just need to remember every second of Hugga’s life. She is the single reason we’ve spent the kind of money we did on photographic equipment and camcorders. But it’s just impossible to cover every living moment, and even if I could, I’m not sure I could handle all those memories without just wanting to live in the past. Getting too nostalgic just makes me depressed.
I couldn’t finish that zine all those years ago because all I found myself doing was digging in the dirt of the past. It was an incredibly depressing project in an otherwise (probably) happy time in my life — a time I can’t actually recall because I never really did much besides try to finish that stupid project. Similarly, whenever I lived out in Cali, my memories of CT always magically turned sweet. How do I know any of this is true?
It’s been sunny and in the 50’s for the past couple of days, and Hugga and I have been out, walking everywhere, taking it in. The news of our plans are quickly traveling across our family members, and a few people here are sad, but living has been so easy for me and Huz and Hugga lately. It’s sunny, the world is rife with possibilities, we are happy. Weekends like these are why spring is my favorite season in New England.
I’ve been taking a lot of pictures, too — not just with my new PEN, but also with Hipstamatic. I love how getting one new gadget usually gets me to fall in love with my old gadgets again. I also love how the newness of a gadget makes me a lot more forgiving about what I create with it. I have never fancied myself even a wannabe photographer — I just like having a good collection of pictures to look at, and it usually takes me a long time and a lot of blurry shots to get to one halfway decent photo.
And that’s okay with me.
I read this post by mixed media artist Kelly Kilmer in the wee hours of this morning and felt it. I shared it on Google Reader and I’m sharing it again, just in case you don’t visit my shares. I really would like all of you to read it.
I’ve been writing for so long, it’s the only thing I have any sliver of talent at, and I still think I’m so shitty at it. I write thousands of words every day, words that people will never ever read sometimes just for practice, and I feel like I only get better at a snail’s pace. When I look at entries from ten years ago, five years ago, or two weeks ago, the intensity of “Oh my God, I can’t believe I wrote that,” is all the same. I keep going, not because I feel like someone out there wants to read my stories (although it is nice to know that a few of you guys are still keeping up with me after so long and okay, I do have dreams of one day publishing my book), but because I have to keep telling them. I know it’s really audacious to say this, but I wake up every day feeling I have something of worth to tell the world, or at least something of worth I’d like to remember when I’m older, even though I don’t always say it so elegantly on the first try.
I’ve been very forgiving of myself lately. I’ve needed it. Nurturing Hugga’s creativity has been like feeding the little girl in me. I’ve literally never loved a piece of art more than the finger paintings we did together on the fly. Watching her make her own art with her markers and finger paints and building blocks has made me realize how important it is to have fun, or at least let my creations come from the heart. That’s the only way the real story comes out. Edit the shit out of it later if you need to, but just get it out.
I’ve always loved spring because it’s a very forgiving season and it always makes sense — you know it’s raining so that the flowers can bud, and you won’t have to wait another three months for a warm, sunny day. I’m excited for all the stories I’ll have and the pictures I’ll take this spring. It’s a season of possibility and inspiration!
Typing wicked fast. When I tested for a temp agency in LA, it was something like 90 WPM, which helped me get placed for three months at a financial consultancy that had unlimited free coffee (good coffee too!) and bagels — which is apparently nearly the best you can do at a temp agency. Also helpful for me in writing because I can type as fast as I think.
Spelling. We didn’t have spelling bees at our school, but we did have weekly spelling quizzes, which I aced every time. And if I see a name written once, I will never forget how to spell it, so I always seem to impress people with really complicated names.
Note-taking. For one, I’ve been told I have really neat handwriting, even when I think it’s sort of messy. Secondly, this is how I got through college! When I’m minute-taker for my meetings, I take them thoroughly (at the expense of being able to absorb any of the information) and send them out promptly.
Finding good music. The most consistent praise I’ve ever gotten from any of my websites is that I’ve always recommended music people actually like. It’s been a good while since I’ve been able to dig for music, and I honestly think I’m kind of old for it now, but I do miss it.
Talking people out of their ruts. I find it hard to believe that I’m one of only few people who see the world of possibilities. More surprising is how often I find myself in ruts, despite people always feeling comfortable coming to me when they need the balls to do something with their lives.
Something my husband really likes but I’d rather not say.
For one, I couldn’t hold out any longer. I had to have it, but luckily was able to use $150 in gift cards towards it. The camera should be getting here within the next couple of days. I can’t wait!
Today was my day in the office, and I was caught up a little late by my cube neighbor. An entire division in our office — the one my cube neighbor works in — is stressed and miserable. I actually haven’t met a single person in that division who didn’t outright tell me they hated their job. My neighbor — a really nice Indian lady who had just given birth to her second child a year ago and consulted with me often for breastfeeding/pumping advice — has been considering going back to school for a career change, but has been too afraid to pull the trigger. I’ve been encouraging her to weigh her options and not let herself get stuck if she’s obviously miserable. Life’s too short, she’s got two kids, and it’s just not worth it to look back on these years and think she wasted them at a job she hated.
She said to me today, “I always feel better whenever I talk to you,” and it felt really nice to hear that. To top that, my mom asked me for advice this morning. While I don’t necessarily mind being needed on a “Mommy, more grape juice please!” level, it feels really nice to feel needed and appreciated on an intellectual level.
We’re already coming up on March and, needless to say, Huz and I can’t really put off the planning of our move any longer if we’re really trying to make this happen this summer. But it’s been really difficult for me to plan and get excited about anything without getting caught up in stress and my own emotions. I just start having anxiety about leaving my mom and then I don’t want to think about it anymore.
But there have been some really amazing developments over the past few days. I’m not at liberty to talk about them, but I truly feel my family is blessed. I pray more things just fall into place as they have been. That being said, it’s gotten a lot more exciting to plan. I’d rather not get into details until things are more official, so to speak, but I do see us finally reclaiming our sense of adventure in the not-so-distant future.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been letting things nag at me and keep me up at night in a bad way. Serious anxiety. I remember multiple nights at the dinner table where I’d be halfway through my macaroni and cheese, and suddenly lose my apetite over the thought of my parents eventually dying. Even as a kid I’d find it impossible to sleep without my Walkman on to drown out all the scary thoughts — my parents getting a divorce, getting a bad grade in school, having to face a bully the next day, suddenly being poor. When I lived alone, I fell asleep every night with the television on to keep from thinking about how long I’d been unemployed and bills I couldn’t pay. While motherhood has forced me to find new and multiple ways to cope, it’s also launched my anxiety levels to the stratosphere.
If given enough time to myself, I could worry myself sick about work, money, and nutrition. While I do believe my concerns have always been valid (we could be eating more healthfully, shopping more wisely, and I could be managing my work more effectively), being seriously anxious about them has never really helped me to deal with them in any productive manner. I’ve only tried to ignore the problem so I could continue to function as a human being.
It’s been especially bad since returning to a regular cycle after giving birth. I haven’t officially been diagnosed with PMDD, but I have mentioned that during every cycle for the past year, I’ve had symptoms that were emotionally debilitating. Now that I recognize what’s happening I know how to buckle down and just deal with it, but it’s still stressful to the point of being physically painful and it doesn’t always keep me from losing my patience with loved ones.
Taking up crafting again and keeping my hands busy has surprisingly kept the anxiety at bay. I still feel irritable, but turning collage making into an activity I could do with Hugga, or at least while engaged in something else (like reading Hugga’s books to her over and over again), has helped me to breathe and find little pockets of serenity. It also knocks a couple of things off my “To worry about” list. More creating, more time spent engaging Hugga in a fun activity, more encouraging Hugga to use her imagination, less TV.
For the past couple of days I’ve felt this big wave of inspiration just carrying me. If I can keep it going, I could deal with my anxiety like an adult and actually work through solutions to the things that bother me. Money? Maybe I can either wait on that new camera or take a side gig to supplement my income. Work? No touching my personal Macbook during the day until all my outstanding projects are done. Nutrition? Maybe it’s time I get real in the kitchen.
